This is a tough one to post

Monday, November 5

Budapest, Hungary

I said at the end of the last blog that I had no spiritual reflection that day. That was not true. I had an overwhelming reflection that I have struggled with through the years. I chose not to share it because it was, I thought, too revealing. Since then I have been unable to write any further. So, with much trepidation, I think God wants me to share it with you.

Since I started trying to ignore the awareness that I thought I was supposed to share, my conversion poem, “The Hound of Heaven” by Francis Thompson, kept coming to me over and over. It’s a long poem but the first stanza and the repeated refrain doggedly tracked my mind and spirit then, and now, until I finally surrendered.

The Hound Of Heaven

I fled Him down the nights and down the days

I fled Him down the arches of the years

I fled Him down the labyrinthine ways

Of my own mind, and in the midst of tears

I hid from him, and under running laughter.

Up vistaed hopes I sped and shot precipitated

Adown titanic glooms of chasme d fears

From those strong feet that followed, followed after

But with unhurrying chase and unperturbe d pace,

Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,

They beat, and a Voice beat,

More instant than the feet:

All things betray thee who betrayest me.

And then the oft repeated phrase:

Fear wist not to evade as Love wist to pursue.

Across the margent of the world I fled,

(All italics and bolding are mine.)

So, my friends, for better or worse, here are my spiritual reflections for that day.

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There are two persistent questions that I wrestle with forever…..

Why am I, among all others, so blessed? and...

Am I a faithful steward of all with which He has blessed me.”

The two are so intertwined I’m not sure how to unpack them.

I’ll just start with the awareness that as I wrote about the stateroom, butler, and even this trip, I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I am profoundly aware every single day that I am blessed beyond measure by something over which I had no control...I just happen to be the grandson of a rancher who was foolish enough to buy a worthless ranch on the other side of the Pecos river where they struck oil.

Every single time I say the Lord’s prayer, which is usually at least daily, I always pause when I say …”give us this day our daily bread…” because I’m so aware that for millions of people worldwide that is not a rotely pronounced platitude but a fervent cry for mercy.

And here I am sailing down the Danube River in the lap of luxury.

I’ve prayed over how to best express the conflict I feel over such awarenesses as -- ‘Jesus wouldn’t have been buried in a tomb if Joseph hadn’t been rich’--and -- ‘the love of money is the root of all evil’ not money itself. -- ‘A man cannot serve God and Mammon.’ -- Or -- "‘sell everything and give to the poor’ and the young man went away sorrowing"

When I often pray about the latter scripture I have never felt God was calling me to follow suit. I won’t try to defend or articulate my use of this untold blessing other than what you see in these pages because that would be trying to gain ‘salvation by works.’ I’ll just say I try to give as best I can (of any of my gifts) whenever and wherever I think He asks me.

As I talked with a very wise spiritual friend about dilemma of feeling called to share this I was reminded (rather directly by the way) that God chooses the most unlikely people to do His work...Moses, Peter, Elijah, Phillip, Thomas (I was ordained on his saint’s day) etc. etc. I guess I just happen to rival Paul in being “the unworthiest of all sinners,”

And I live daily with the awareness -- He gave it freely and He can take it away as well, so He and I will do the best I can day by day to be as good a steward as He puts up with.

What came to me in wrestling with this as I try to express my gratitude, are some of my life events that might be uplifting if anyone reading this is struggling with the same issues.

Before we (it was always a joint venture between Andrea and myself) went to seminary, we were so broke. I was selling insurance and if I had continued another year my residuals would have doubled our income. Andrea’s cousin, a very wealthy attorney, had just finished seminary and had come out flat broke, having to borrow money to have braces for his child’s teeth. We called and asked him how he did it. He simply said, “You haven’t read today’s scriptures have you?” We turned to the reading, “Consider the lilies of the field…” We knew we were going to seminary.

But I just realized there is another story more important than the one I was about to tell. Quite frankly it only occurred to me while I was writing, how early God was at work in our lives, as I recalled this memory from long before He led us to seminary.

Hill is my oldest son. Before we left the Navy Andrea and I decided we wanted another child. We had both grown up with siblings and didn’t want him to be an only child. But as the months went by we had no success. As we struggled through my attempt to get through the School of Architecture at the University of Texas we suddenly discovered Andrea was pregnant. We were overjoyed. But the reality was that even with Andrea and I both working we were not going to be able to afford to stay in college.

Miracle one: Andrea’s doctor was a second cousin of mine and when Chris was born he paid for everything.

Lesson one: I told God I would do anything but work in insurance…..so the next five years I worked in the insurance industry in Dallas.

Chris was born with severe hip dysplasia. As soon as we got to Dallas we made an appointment with a doctor at Baylor Hospital who agreed to provide the care he needed. Chris was fitted in special shoes that had a rocker bar tying them together and forcing his hips into the virtually nonexistent joints to re-form them.

Miracle; We never received a bill from the doctor or the hospital. We thought the doctor must have been some kind of quack, and then discovered he was head of pediatrics at Baylor Hospital.

So we went to seminary.

I could write a book about all that went on before we were approved, but that’s for another day (if ever.) Our greatest fear was that we would face some kind of illness and would be forced to leave seminary. In our first year Andrea had a gallbladder attack that was so severe she had to have surgery. We had no idea how we were going to pay for it.

Miracle: The surgeon was Roman Catholic. When he found out we were seminarians he paid the bill. We hadn’t asked.

In the final months of our seminary days Andrea again had to have surgery. By this time, between us, it would be our fourth major surgery. She had to have a hysterectomy. The first doctor knew she needed it, but being Roman Catholic didn’t believe in it. So here we were again.

To go back some, a Women’s Guild in Dallas had decided to send us money periodically to support us. Blessing indeed! barely making ends meet with me working three part time jobs and Andrea working as a secretary. The most recent check they had sent was extremely generous and I lived in fear we would get a letter saying, “We made a mistake, please refund…..” On the day Andrea was supposed to get out of the hospital we literally had no money. What do they do if you can’t pay? Repossess your wife? Distraught beyond measure I went by the Seminary Post Office. Why? Too afraid to go to the hospital I suppose. I opened our mailbox and….there was a letter from the women of St. Luke’s.

As I unfolded it the top sentence it read….

“Dear Richard,

When we sent your last check we made a mistake.”

My heart fell like a rock, but as I completly unfolded the letter a check fell out of the fold.

The letter continued,

“We realized we had more funds than we thought so we’re sending you some additional.”

Miracle: It was the exact amount we needed to pay Andrea’s hospital bill.

It’s with fear and trembling that I’m going to post this, but before I do I want to assure you that my blessings go far beyond mere finances. Indeed finances may be the least. I’m blessed beyond measure by my sons, their wives, their children (and granddaughter’s husband) and my great grandchildren. Fold into that mix my sister and her husband, my niece and her family. My cousins, Andrea’s brother, sister-in-law and nieces (one of whom is cut out of the same flint as Andrea)….I could go on and on. Once you start counting your blessings, where do you stop?

And of course, one of my great, great blessings is those of you, my friends, who choose to slog through my ramblings about my yonderin’s.

But one of the greatest blessings of all have been my traveling companions on this trip. Words cannot express the blessing they have been to me as they enfolded me into our little community and entangled themselves in my heart.

I close this with my deepest gratitude to my God -- Father, Son and Holy Spirit -- and each and every one of you.

Blessings and Peace

Padre