Is it....?

The Hermitage

April 29, 2019

I experienced an emotion this morning I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced before.

I listened to Our Daily Bread, downloaded an anthology of Rudyard Kipling, read a short story, and was just sitting. It was the kind of moment when I am thinking--but not thinking. Sort of “waiting.” It was an ordinary morning, begun in ordinary ways.

When...suddenly...there it was.

Fear.

That was the word that came to mind...Fear.

Because I named it I have to assume that’s what it was. I say was, because almost as soon as it was named it was gone.

I won’t say I was startled by having it. More like...befuddled.

I roamed back through my memories of times when I should have experienced “fear.”

-Nearly being shot by Whitman in his rampage at UT.

-Caught in a blinding rain storm, nearly out of fuel, navigating to the airport by landmarks I could only fleetingly glimpse

-Losing an engine on a night flight

-Avoiding a head-on collision with an out-of-control driver by inches

Whatever the emotion in those situations, and others like them, it wasn’t what I had just experienced.

I stare out of the kitchen window while my tea brews. The birds are particularly active this morning. A cardinal! Hadn’t seen one in weeks. A new finch. Yesterday I saw two different woodpeckers trying to feed. One had a red head; one had speckled feathers on its….

And I realize I’m avoiding contemplating the experience.

Winston Churchill said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” No. That’s rationalization. And off the mark anyway.

So what am I afraid of?

I’m preparing the Wayfarer and the CrossTrek for my first real RV trip in years. Is that it?

I don't think so. I would describe that as “concern,” similar to what I experienced before my overseas trips. I’ve proven to myself, and my sons, that I’m capable of handling the rig over the two months I plan to be gone. I can drive safely, hook up and unhook the car, etc. And if I run into problems I have several people on standby who are willing to come drive me home from wherever I happen to be. No...that’s all external.

This was internal. No...interior.

Was it existential? This morning's ODB was about Job’s suffering. Perhaps the process of dying is a concern? But I don’t think I’m afraid of death. As far as what I might face in the years ahead? Andrea’s T-shirt says it best, “It is what it is.”

And yet…

As I write this I think there’s some kind of mystical connection with the trip...with "yonderin'."

I said earlier the emotion was gone as suddenly as it appeared. But that’s not quite true. I sense it lying just beneath the surface. Not lurking. Just...there.

Simply writing the previous paragraph transforms it. I would still name it “fear.” Yes--fear--but with a small letter instead of a capital.

Now there’s a sense of expectation. Not excitement. Not anticipation. Just...expectation. I sense something new is brewing.

But I'm also aware whatever it is, it has no time-line. Today? Tomorrow? Both meaningless. Somehow it's encapsulated in the sacrament of the present moment.

Future days will tell if I have enough courage to stare down the negative and embrace the positive.

Trust, faith, courage. All are important for whatever lies ahead.

Till then…

Thanks for traveling with me.