Untitled...

The Hermitage

July 27, 2019

Wix, the program I use for my blog, always admonishes me to “have a catchy title.” Well, for this meditation — Chapter 2 — I had several, but none seemed to fit, so this one will go “Untitled.”

I ‘finished’ the previous meditation over a week ago, but every time I started to post it, it just didn’t seem right. At first I thought it was because it was so disjointed, so I tried polishing it, but it still didn’t seem quite right so I put it on the back burner.

I’m glad I did, because as the days have gone by, I feel like I’ve entered a whole new life.

Yes, I know that sounds melodramatic, but it’s the way I feel. Probably not up to the standards of John Newton or Saul, but astounding to me just the same.

As I look at the previous post, it covers several themes...my self esteem, my relationship with my father, and my relationship with my Father.

It was the latter that has had such a tremendous impact. In one of his letters, Paul admonishes believers that they have been feeding on pablum (okay, my translation) but now they need to be fed on richer fare.

I feel like i’ve just been fed the choicest prime steak available in the finest restaurant in the world. My life prior seem so pale.

I know this sounds ‘over the top’ but this is one of those rare experiences, of which — in my life only my Road to Damascus experience compares.

Let me try to come down off of cloud nine and express what has happened.

The first is my relationship with my Father. As I’ve said, I’ve never thought of his as “Father” even though I’ve used the expression daily. To me He’s always been “I AM.”

As rewrote, polished and rewrote “The Good, the Bad, and…” it hit me. I may not have consciously thought of Him in father terms, but I’ve been expecting Him to relate to me as my father did! So I eat crow. The cliche — acknowledged or not — seems to be true.

But this goes even deeper. I realized that everything before is like a shadow on a wall. Everything I thought I’d believed all my life...sham? Fraud?

No, if you had asked me I would have told you from the depth of my soul it came from my relationship with God — I AM, Jesus, Spirit.

It’s all true...

Living in the Sacrament of the Present Moment.

Faith not works,

God is Love,

The Peace that passes all understanding,

And on and on...

But like an iceberg, I couldn’t see most of it. Someone said “There is no one as blind as he who won’t see.” He who won’t see...He who couldn’t see.

As Andrea became increasingly ill and had to give up her counseling practice she used to say she felt “useless.” In complete honesty and compassion I told her God didn’t care about what she did, He loved her because she WAS, imago dei, image of the I AM.

I believed it then, and I believe it now. But...haven’t I just been through the same thing?

Feeling ‘useless” as all the things I held valuable were taken away one by one. Frantically fighting with God to tell me what he wanted of me. What is my ministry now? What is my purpose in life? What do you want me to “DO!” NOW!

I can’t tell you this is through yet. If you had asked me I would have told you I believed I lived at peace with my soul. All I can say is I’m experiencing peace as I’ve never experienced it before.

Will it last? Only He knows. Given my track record I’ll probably be at it again. But…

Till then,

Thanks for journeying with me!

Postscript

I have just written this stream of consciousness and believe I’m supposed to post it just as I wrote it down, so please forgive any errors, etc.